How to make the damn phone call

Maybe you can give us advice instead?

BFF Skyler’s actual task list

Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!

Making phone calls, especially ones related to appointments or health insurance, is SO hard for me that it often sends me into a shame spiral. Any tips?

Jess: SAME. Sometimes my brain is on it, and I can make the call and think, “Dang, it’s a good executive function day!”. But most of the time, I end up letting those calls sit on my task list until I have a handful that need to be made, and then I bribe myself. Sometimes I pretend I’m playing the role of Very Important Human™️ who gets to have their favorite iced beverage and then sits up straight-ish with a notepad and a phone. “Oh look at me, I’m a functioning human, clicky clacking on my keyboard and making phone calls.” Am I making fun of myself? Yes. Does it work? Also yes. But only sometimes. Other times I take a CBD gummy for anxiety, scroll my phone for a half hour, and then do it. Or I just push it off to the next day. And the next day. And the next. Which I guess is to say — you’re not alone, and I haven’t fully figured it out yet either.

Ash: To be honest, I avoid phone calls — often until it impacts me negatively — because they fill me with anxiety and dread. For the longest time, I wasn’t sure why. And it was getting the diagnosis of autism that made everything come together. Something the psychologist and I talked about in depth is just how many social skills I lack or don’t come easy to me, and things like seeing someone’s expressions and body language are useful tools in helping me understand tone — it’s actually why I dread video calls less than phone calls! Plus, audio processing can be a bitch, so I’m also partially reading lips to help keep up, versus stumbling when I only have audio. Audio-only interactions also often leads people to ask the dreaded, “Are you still there?!”. 😅 It’s not a great system, but ultimately the stars need to align for me to actually make a phone call. If you’re like me, then my suggestion is to exhaust any other options first — email, video chat, online support chat, etc. — and then wait for a good brain day if it becomes clear a phone call is required. I then celebrate with a little treat just like Jess!

Kat: I’ll keep this short and sweet: The only way I’ve been able to game the system (the system is me, by the way) is by writing the calls I need to make on separate pieces of scratch paper or sticky notes. Eventually I get so tired of the papers piling up — clutter makes me itchy sometimes — that I start making my way through them so it counts as organization AND productivity. I also get that satisfying feeling of crumpling up the reminders (before I recycle them, of course).

Skyler: I wish I could tell you that calling doctors’ offices to make appointments gets easier when you see as many providers or have as many conditions as I do. But unfortunately, despite being in this game since the age of 8, I still struggle to make appointments — especially if making those appointments involves speaking on the phone. Putting off these calls is only to my detriment, of course.

At the time of writing this, I currently owe phone calls to the offices of my psychiatrist, gastroenterologist, orthodontist, dentist, optometrist, and headache specialist. Some of those phone calls are almost five months overdue. At this point, I’ve entered a shame spiral (just like you mentioned above) in addition to experiencing the negative ramifications delaying these appointments has had on my health. I don’t know how to explain myself to receptionists or where to begin when I beg providers to forgive me for disrupting the course of treatment.

(In the back of my head I hear my therapist reminding me that I don’t actually owe anyone an explanation and that the guilt and shame I feel is my own creation and probably due in part to previous traumatic experiences during appointments as a kid… but healing is a journey and I have yet to internalize my therapist’s wise words. One day!)

I recently came up with a new way to motivate myself to make the darn phone calls (that I have yet to implement outside of helping me decide which non-health-related emails to respond to, but I promise it’s a fun system nonetheless) that I hope you find helpful — or at the very least fun. All you need is a list of people and places you need to call and your favorite set of polyhedral dice (you can also use Google to roll dice if you don’t have a physical set!).

When you create your list, make sure you number each entry — and check back here on Wednesday for a fun resource courtesy of Ash that will help you with this! Then, set aside whatever amount of time you want to spend calling the offices on your list. (#ProTip: If you find you’re having trouble making the calls primarily due to the dread of someone picking up the phone on the other end, call the office after hours and leave a message. While the folks at the office will call you back during business hours, making that initial call and leaving a voicemail might help you build the momentum you need to work through the rest of the list and feel confident enough to pick up the phone when you do get that call.) When the scheduled time comes to make those calls, roll the die and call the office of the corresponding number on your list. I number my list according to how much I’m dreading that particular phone call. Like classic Dungeons & Dragons, a one on the die is a critical failure and a natural 20 is a critical success, aka the call that’s easiest to make. Here’s my current list, from easiest to hardest:

6. Psychiatry

5. Headache specialist

4. Gastroenterologist

3. Dentist

2. Optometrist

1. Orthodontist

I’ll use a d6 (six-sided die — shout-out to loyal reader and friend of Alive and (un)Well Evan for my gorgeous go-to dice set!) to go through my list.

I hope my little trick helps you work through your own list, or at least brings a smile to your face. Happy rolling and good luck making those phone calls!

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