I feel sick to my stomach
But the only way out is forward.
I need a break. Like a week or a month or just one fucking day where this regime doesn’t do some fascist bullshit.
It’s been said by many others, but it’s not normal to have this much access to information and so much awfulness coming from tiny little screens in our hands.
And I don’t usually say much about the toll it takes — I’ve been organizing longer than I’ve been able to vote — because most of the time, it fuels me. Liberatory work is deeply rooted in love and joy. It is love work. It is joy work. And. There’s also a lot of grief and sorrow and pain, and there’s always more to do, and more work to go around than there are willing people. And it just never feels like enough.
Because I can see the world that is possible. I can see a world where we all have our needs met, where we are liberated from dehumanization, colonization, capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, anti-blackness, hate and fear-mongering and power-hungry greed.
I know that world is not only possible, but I know we have the resources for it already. I believe we deserve that world.
And yet, there’s this feeling that’s been creeping in again. I thought it was burnout, but I’ve realized it’s something deeper.
Maybe it’s because I’m older now. Maybe the last several years of crisis after crisis stacked on top of 10 other crises has worn me down. Maybe the enormity of our rapidly-increasing climate disaster has settled in my bones, and I’ve been organizing with movements for climate justice since 1998, and yet still… here we are. Maybe it’s because I’ve been advocating, alongside so many other folks, for Palestine since 2007 when it clicked that the narrative didn’t add up, and still… here we are. Maybe it’s because I’ve been protesting since I was in elementary school and somehow at almost-40, we’re still on this merry-go-round of bullshit.
On and on and on… and sometimes it’s hard to remember the wins. It’s hard to remember the good stuff we’ve accomplished because the enormity of what is left is so… enormous.
And then many of our wins are being stripped away, or are in danger of being stripped away.
Tuesday, several of us spent the day going up against the South Carolina Attorney General after he put out an inflammatory statement about tomorrow’s June 14 No Kings protests. (Find one near you: www.NoKings.org) So we wrote press releases, and Substack articles, and social media posts. We made phone calls and we did interviews and we did what we could to rebuke his lies. And then there were more local ICE raids to respond to. And prep for this weekend. And prep for our local Pride next week. And there were trainings to attend, and trainings to create, and so much information to share with our community while also battling against algorithms and noise… and the list seemed endless. Meanwhile, in the background, there’s news from LA and Chicago and NY and around the country about ICE raids and deportations while police fire at the press and escalate peaceful protests.
As I was putting together dinner that night, I got a message from a friend — Southern Baptists voted to endorse a ban on gay marriage. To push for an overturn of Obergefell.
It’s not at all surprising. Still, I felt that prickle of unease knowing how much sway evangelicals have within the current administration and its allies.
And then I realized…
It’s grief. This bubbling feeling is grief. So much grief.
It didn’t have to be like this.
There’s no pretty bow to tie this up with. We are living under fascism. There is no returning to “before” just like there was no returning to “before” with COVID (get your boosters ASAP if you haven’t, by the way).
There is only forward.
It’s hard to remember the good stuff we’ve accomplished because the enormity of what is left is so… enormous.
I said at the beginning that I need a break. But there’s no break I could give myself that would give me what I need. And so I’m not going to suggest you or I take a break from the news or anything else. I’m not going to suggest self-care or touching grass or any of the usual suggestions when folks talk about activism and organizing and mental health and stress. You know how to take care of yourself.
Instead, I’m asking you — if you aren’t already — please get in the ring and fight with us. We need you, in whatever capacity you have to offer.
You don’t have to do everything. You don’t have to be a protestor. You don’t have to already know anything. I’m betting you already have an abundance of skills that would help, and you can learn what you don’t know. You can learn how to make graphics, or write social posts, or corral volunteers, or use encrypted tech. Join your state 50501 or Working Families Party or Food Not Bombs or General Strike US or whoever is organizing near you, and ask what they need help with.
It doesn’t have to be like this. We all deserve better. And the only way forward is together.
