When your health forces you to cancel plans
And how to feel less like a garbage human.
Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!
My health is often unpredictable and regularly causes me to cancel plans with others. What’s the best way to do this without hurting my relationships permanently?
Ash: If there’s a best way to do this, I’m all ears as well. It’s like I’m constantly fighting logic and feelings. I think it’s worth noting that for me, mental health is usually the culprit for my cancellations as opposed to my physical health, and the why for that is vital.
By default, I’m often not making plans beyond what my body can physically handle — unless I get something like a cold or allergies which I, fairly, can’t predict when I’m penciling in commitments. Ultimately, I’m not cancelling due to my physical health often because I’m fairly strict on making the plans to begin with.
However, for reasons like my cycle or unexpected anxieties or stresses, mental health is the area where predictions are thrown out the window. There are some mental states where socializing is good, but others where it is harmful. When it’s harmful, I’m feeling my most irrational, and I find myself plagued with guilt. When my mood is stable, I know that giving the heads up with as much notice as possible goes a lot better than waiting until the last possible moment — but that’s much easier said than done when that moment comes to pass. Ultimately, I’m looking for just as much advice as you may be in how to manage this a bit more gracefully!
Jess: This has historically been tough for me. I used to care deeply if people felt disappointed by me, or thought I was flaky or uncommitted or wasting their time or — gasp — being too much. So for most of my life, I pushed myself beyond my limits to prioritize my assumptions about what I thought other people wanted or needed. Surprise! I skidded into burnout more than once. A few of the changes I’ve implemented:
I’m pretty ruthless with my calendar. I do my best to keep a particular hour of my day free on the nights my partner works. He works rotating 12s (more like 15s, let’s be real) overnight, so if I don’t block that time, I won’t see him on those days, and that daily touchpoint is important to both of us. When it comes to invitations: If it’s not a must-do, it’s a maybe, and if it’s a no, it’s a no (otherwise I just have to cancel later!). “That sounds fun! Send me an invite and I’ll check!” or “Thank you so much for thinking of me/inviting me! I won’t be able to make it, but please let me know next time!” — I’ve trained myself to lead with the excitement or gratitude I actually do feel, and then the caveat or answer, otherwise I’ve noticed people feel brushed off or stop inviting because they don’t realize it’s just a one-time no, and then I feel bad, and that cycle just spins. I also don’t always give an explanation for the no. Generally speaking, if someone wants or needs one, they can ask. I also have a deep need for chaos time, where there are no plans, to-do lists, or obligations. So I keep the majority of external commitments (virtual or in-person) to specific time-blocked windows of time, which also helps with my brain’s “waiting mode.” There are exceptions, of course, and this isn’t a perfect method by itself, because life isn’t rigid and doesn’t always fit into neat little boxes on the calendar.
Being really freaking honest with myself and the people in my life. There’s a line between “making everything about yourself” and being open with people. And some folks don’t need all the info, so discernment there goes a long way to preserving my energy. But when someone asks how I am, I do my best to tell them the truth, good or bad. Contrary to what politeness culture (cough white supremacy) teaches, this can actually make relationships stronger.
I prioritize people in my life who get it, and have grace for the folks who don’t quite get it but their hearts are in a good place. I don’t have to love how they respond, as long as they aren’t being cruel, or trying to minimize my experience or override my boundaries. Sure, I might roll my eyes a little when they respond to my migraine with, “Oh that sucks. I get really bad headaches sometimes, too.” but they’ve got the spirit and they’re trying to connect. I’ll take it.
All three of these things help when it does become necessary to cancel or reschedule plans. Because I have soft boundaries the people in my life are generally aware of, and I’m flexible when it’s necessary, and I prioritize relationships with people who get it, folks are more receptive to changes. And sometimes, we can even share a giggle about how relieving it is to cancel that thing that we both want to do but were actually dreading doing at that particular moment.
Kat: Ah yes, welcome. Step into my office where I can tell you many a tale about how I’ve butchered this in the past! First things first: Canceling plans hurts like a mother trucker. It’s probably one of my least favorite things about living with a zillion health conditions, because I can do all the right things beforehand (like schedule in extra rest days and pre-medicate) and still not be able to follow through. But, over the years, I’ve gotten better at softening the blow for both myself and others.
A tactic I use to protect my heart and lessen my anxiety right from the start is not saying “100% yes” to things when the initial invite comes through. I like to plant the seed that my symptoms can be temperamental, and while I have it on my calendar and will do my absolute best to make it, it might not be possible. (My partner often uses the line, “It’ll be a game-time decision for us.” It’s been really helpful in a lot of social scenarios over the years!) To the people that genuinely matter, this gentle framing helps them too, and I find folks are often grateful for the advance heads up. It also tends to trigger a subconscious “Oh yeah, Kat mentioned that” reaction which is always a pleasant alternative to unproductive upset!
Outside of that, I try and be as specific as the relationship/situation calls for when I do indeed cancel — “My head feels like it might actually fall off today” tends to elicit more understanding than a simple “not feeling well,” which can come off a bit flippant depending on the recipient. (I’ll leave you with this gentle reminder: At the end of the day, take it easy on yourself. Your health is not your fault, and anyone who makes you feel that way when you have to cancel isn’t someone that deserves your light… mmmmk?)
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As someone who often overcommits to things, I struggle with that feeling of disappointing others when I am unable to do the thing I thought I could do. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in this feeling.
These are all such helpful insights! I’m a recent subscriber and haven’t been able to look at older posts so this is my first one, and it’s so timely. A friend just hit me up saying they’ll be in town next week and of course I’m excited, but even as I was responding, I’m thinking in the back of my head “how will I feel then though?” But now I have ways to handle this that I didn’t have before so thanks yall 🙏🏾