Who am I without trauma?
The nature of the beast that is C-PTSD.
“With C-PTSD, there is no ‘before’ person to go back to.”
My therapist said these words to me several months ago, and I haven’t stopped thinking about them since.
She went on to explain that because people dealing with C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) have experienced — and may still be experiencing — years of compounding trauma. There is not a single event, nor short-term sequence of events, that can be identified. Instead of a flashpoint where there is a distinct before and after, C-PTSD blurs those lines and leaves a person without a concept of who they were before trauma. There is no “before”; there’s just constant, chronic stress and an overactive nervous system and maladaptive coping mechanisms left in its wake.
As one grows and develops while dealing with constant stress and trauma, the stress and trauma become part of that development. A child who experiences trauma throughout their childhood becomes an adult who doesn’t know who they are outside of what they’ve experienced, and the techniques they’ve had to develop in order to survive have become their norm.
Boy howdy, can I relate to that. I’ve always felt that I lack insight into who I really am. My interests, values, and tastes often feel fleeting. I’ve never felt secure in who I am and — as wild as this may sound — I’m terrified to figure out who I am outside of anxiety, worry, stress, hypervigilance, nonexistent self-esteem, overwhelm… You get the idea. I can’t tell you the number of personality tests and internet searches I’ve done in the hopes that somebody — anybody — can tell me who I am and what I’m supposed to do with my life. I think back to my childhood and can’t identify a time when I felt a lack of anxiety or an absence of stress. I can’t pinpoint a specific moment when I began experiencing all of this or a single event that caused it. There is no self-actualized version of myself to return to.
Hence, my therapist’s wise words.
While the “c” in C-PTSD stands for “complex,” I also think it serves as a reminder of the chronic nature of the condition. And, just like any chronic condition, it takes a whole lot of effort and hard work to manage. I’ve learned that hardwired habits formed throughout childhood are difficult to untangle, and even more challenging to move away from (especially if you’re stuck in the environment and dynamics that warranted some of those habits in the first place).
I guess the only option is to keep doing the work and learn more about who I am — outside of trauma responses — along the way. There may be no “before,” but who knows what the future holds?
👏 So well written, Sky! Thank you for your vulnerability. 🌟
Wow, I relate to this so much. As I’ve been trying to figure out “who I am” over the past couple years (what do I like do, what do I really want to do for work, what do I value in others, etc.), it’s been so disorienting because I’m like wait…I don’t think I know??? So I can definitely relate to it being scary to think about stuff outside of the #usual. But for me it’s at a point where my health has me so tapped out, that I can barely keep up that stuff that was helping me survive. So I’m just looking around like now what and the same time I know there’s work to do to fill in the gaps with stuff that serves my best interests 😭