WTF is rest?!
Our hot take: It’s a lot more than just napping.
Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!
I’ve recently realized I can no longer keep up the pace of life I’m used to. My health is making it near impossible. Everyone around me keeps telling me to “rest,” but I’m having trouble slowing down and finding the time to do it. Thoughts?
Kat: I’m honestly so glad you voiced this because it’s been on my mind, too! Rest, typically, is interpreted as sleeping/napping, but as someone who is absolutely not a napper, I have redefined what it looks like for me. (Shout-out to my dad who is a champion power napper, though.) At its core, I try to think about rest like this: a state of being that either conserves your energy or replenishes your supply. For me, that state of being is unlocked when I’m reading. And it’s not just about getting absorbed in a story, but how the action allows me to singularly focus in a relaxing way. I turn down the volume on my phone and leave it in an entirely different room so I’m not tempted to scroll (which I find takes my brain out of rest mode). In the colder months, I crank up my heated blanket and just kind of sink into the couch. It works wonders for me, especially when I need a breather during the day. Here are some questions to think about as your reevaluate what rest looks like for you:
What do you need to rest most: your brain, your body, or both? Choose an activity or setting that reflects that.
What could you do in your home to make your space more rest-friendly? (e.g., clean up clutter, use dim lighting, freshen up your sheets or pillowcases)
Is there a certain time in your day or week where rest is more essential? How could you reconfigure your schedule to allow for that wind-down time? (For me, I make very few plans on the weekends outside of special occasions or family obligations. It’s a huge sacrifice when it comes to a social life, but it’s become imperative for my general quality of life.)
And one more reminder for the road (and for anyone who needs to hear it): You do not need to earn rest. Rest is not a prize, it’s an essential. Thanks for coming to my micro TEDxTalk!
Ash: I discovered one of the most detrimental things I can do is push myself when my brain is running at -14%. With AuDHD, I have days when I’m operating at 400% — I’m extremely efficient, motivated, and razor-focused. And then on those negative-percentage days, I can barely remember what I said two sentences ago. I would create a false urgency by convincing myself I absolutely needed to do something that day and/or shame spiral when I couldn’t get things done.
The shame comes from the fact that we punish rest in the United States. Rest isn’t productive according to our society. If you’re resting and could be doing something else — chores, an errand, making money — you are just “lazy.” Myself and the other BFFs know how untrue and harmful this perspective can be, but it can really perpetuate those feelings you mentioned about “having trouble slowing down and finding the time to do it.” There can be time to rest when you remove non-essentials from your plate. It may honestly be uncomfortable when you start doing it, but your brain and body will thank you for that dedicated to self-care. You may be stuck in a days- or weeks-long flare, but consider how much worse it’ll be if you just continue to push and push and push and don’t prioritize time for recovery.
Rest can mean taking a nap, but if you’re like me it can be creating art, listening to a podcast, or playing a game on my phone while something mindless is playing. It can be spending time with my pets or getting myself a little treat. It’s whatever takes me out of my brain and exerts less physical or mental energy.
Jess: Kat and Ash really nailed it for me too. The biggest thing I’ve learned (and am always learning because we live in this capitalism-flavored soup and brains need reminders) is that I don’t have consistent energy like some folks seem to. It’s not going to be the same or similar from one day to the next. I have to follow my energy. There are days where I am basically a housecat, and there are days where I can accomplish what seems like a week’s worth of work. If I try to push too much on the housecat days, I’ll flare. If I try to rest on the go-go-go days, I’ll be restless and bored. Whenever I try to push myself into that box of living as though I have consistent energy, I end up frustrated. It’s taken a lot of time and grace with myself and from others to find a way to live more inconsistently.
For me, it started with being honest with myself about what I need. I know I need a lot of alone time. I know I need enough space in my general tasks list to be able to have a housecat day on a random Tuesday, and a go-go-go day on a Sunday. I know I need to remind myself frequently that it’s OK to not live with the kind of schedule other people do. And I know I will never “find the time” unless I make the time, in a way that is a deeper fundamental shift in how so many of us live our lives. For me, it’s more than just scheduling a nap or “free time” (that I’ll inevitably fill). So I try to operate from that knowing, and be as clear as I can be with the people in my life about how that may impact them. So my question to you, then, is: Do you want to slow down and rest right now, or do you feel like you should because other people are saying you should? At the end of the day, you answer to yourself. 💖
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Love all of this! Saving to share when I start unpacking this with clients and consultees!