7 reasons to keep going

Goodbye intrusive thoughts, I won’t miss you.

Credit: John Towner on Unsplash

CW: This essay discusses suicidal ideation and suicidality. Please read with care.

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I’ve never been actively suicidal, but passively? Party of one. I like to imagine my intrusive thoughts kind of swirling around within me like dingy pieces of pixie dust until something happens in my life to strengthen the specks into a category 5 tropical storm. The overwhelming thoughts violently thrash around inside and say things like:

I am tired in a way I’ve never been before. I think I want to give up.

So, like, what if I just didn’t wake up tomorrow?

What if I didn’t pump the brakes as I roll up to a red light?

I wonder if life would be easier for the people that love me if I wasn’t around.

While I never intend to take action (hence, the passive side of suicidality), when that storm comes barreling in it can feel like a million hands on my skin, squishing me down onto scalding hot concrete. In my experience with PTSD, I know that one of my biggest mental health triggers is when my physical health is at an all-time low. And right now? I’m probably the lowest I’ve ever been with it. You hear the words “end stage” and “we’re out of options” muttered in a single appointment and everything just kind of crumbles from there. One trauma domino at a time, folks.

For me, when I’m stuck in that dark place, I find it helpful to remember the reasons why I want to keep going — not why I should live (obligation/guilt), but why I might want to (interest/desire). Spot the difference there? It’s an internal perspective shift that puts me at the center. It’s not a flippant gratitude list, or an amalgamation of people who would miss me if I’m gone, but instead a list of reasons of what I’ve survived and why I might want to stick around. I’ve been writing one for myself to match the season of struggle I’m currently in. If you’re feeling suicidal or are in a depressive episode that just won’t quit, I suggest you try writing one of your own. No rules about what goes on it. No length requirements. Just you, your wins, and the small moments that keep your head above water.

7 reasons why I want to keep going

• My dog’s first vanilla soft serve cone of the summer (and subsequent brain freeze).

• I’m stubborn, and while the hurt feels so big, I really don’t want it to “win.”

• Bare-feet-in-the-grass season — it’s so grounding!

• I think I might be able to fully hear (!) by the middle of the summer for the first time since I was a kid.

• I don’t want to miss my mom’s big milestone birthday, she more than deserves to be celebrated.

• While I’m a staunch hot coffee advocate, iced coffee season has its place!

• My partner’s ability to make a joke during hard times (it helps me so much and really cuts through the darkness).

If you had to make a “keep going” list of your own right now, what would you put on it? I’d love to hear, if you’re in a sharing mood. So much love coming your way!

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🚥 A final PSA for the road: It’s really, really important for people to talk about suicide, because it’s a lot more common than our world leads us to believe. But it’s often not spoken about truthfully — sometimes it’s cloaked in euphemisms and other times it’s a source of shame. And all of that really just perpetuates the cycle of suffering in silence. We don’t outright ask people if they are thinking about killing themselves, we just sort of tap dance around it and recommend they “reach out” and performatively remind them they’re “not alone.” But that’s honestly not as helpful as people make it out to be, is it? It’s the equivalent of saying, “Let me know if you need anything” after someone dies but never actually doing something. In both cases, it’s just a hell of a lot of empty words that lead nowhere. If you’re presented with a situation where someone you know or love is thinking about harming themselves, ask them (but do so in private).

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