Caring for pets when you live with a health condition

The real question is: Who takes care of who?

Graphic by BFF Ash Kristoff

Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!

I love my dog so much, but it can be hard to take care of another living being when I’m already struggling to take care of myself. How do other people do it?

Ash: For many, many years my dog Bear (not an actual bear but a malamute who is approximately baby black bear sized) used to travel everywhere with me. I don’t know who was benefitting more — the anxious mess that was me or the anxious mess that he was. We were inseparable for about six years as he was a vital part of fighting back against my mental illness which was misunderstood and untreated at that time. He forced me to take breaks, to go outside, to think beyond what was going on in my own head. He became an extension of my routine, and I could sacrifice the less vital parts of mine to make sure his needs were fully covered.

In those years Bear and I were inseparable, I primarily handled his care, and my partner primarily handled our cat’s care. That division worked really well for us at that time, and we were always able to step in when the other just… couldn’t. With the addition of another cat and several life changes, that division has shifted but still holds true. It’s important for us to have an understanding of who is responsible for what to ensure all the needs are covered on a daily basis, but then allowing that to be flexible to accommodate how we’re feeling. If we’re both feeling awful, well, whoever feels less awful will find a way to make it work as soon as they’re able.

We’ve also invested in automatic feeders for the cats, which has helped take one thing off our plates each day, and are looking into similar options for their litter boxes. Technology like that has become an accessibility tool which improves the quality of life for both the animals and the people! Finally, something we’ve talked about a lot is how we would both love a second dog, but we also know we don’t have the spoons to add it into our family. It’s better to be very honest about what you are able to give as this entire living being needs you to be there for them.

Jess: Unlike the rest of the BFFs, I don’t have any pups anymore after the last of our three rescue dogs passed away almost a year ago. Afterwards, I noticed a pretty significant change in my routine. (Yes, my dog Pavlov’ed me to suit her schedule.) She was a social eater, so her meal times had become my meal times. She needed walks, which got us both outside. And she was pretty much always near me. She would follow me around, put her head in my lap while I worked, and I would chat away to her. After she died, there was a lot of silence. 

That said, the Cat Distribution System™ has been… overwhelmingly generous to us in recent years. There are currently 14. It’s a whole thing (and a story for another day). There are days when all I want to do is cuddle puddle with the cats, and there are days when I am beyond overstimulated and if-that-cat-sneaks-past-me-into-the-bathroom-one-more-time, I might cry. 

Here’s what makes it doable for me: I have a partner who works nights (helpful for division of responsibility, sucky for seeing each other), does his part, and who also trends toward putting the cats’ needs first. We both recognize they can’t do anything about an empty food bowl or a dirty box, which means it’s our responsibility to keep the bowls full and the boxes clean, etc. Does that mean our stuff doesn’t get done sometimes? Yup! Luckily, the cats don’t care if my hair is messy, or if I shuffle over to fill their food and immediately lay back down. 

We’ve also determined what parts of their care overwhelm or overstimulate both of us (or in my case, physically hurt), and the other tries to take on those things. My partner mostly handles the boxes (it takes him less than half the time it takes me, to do just as good a job — it can also trigger a POTS episode if I’m not careful; but, let’s be real, I’m just slow because I stop to pet and play with the cats 😆). He makes sure their bowls are full before he comes to bed, so I can wake up slower. I check them when I wake up, just in case. I make sure the bowls are full before he wakes up in the afternoon — and he checks them just in case — and before I go to bed. I make sure we have enough food and litter and all the things at any given time. He lets me know if he notices we’re running low, and he carries it into the house. We remind each other about vet and care appointments, and we switch off who handles it based on who is available. I turn on their morning enrichment (they’re currently listening to jazz on the TV — oh, the sights + sounds!) and he changes it so it doesn’t get boring for them. We both give them toys and treats and playtime and snuggles. And when we see the other person is flagging on any given day, we step in for each other. 

And, perhaps unsurprisingly, I’ve started talking to the cats more. Now instead of a sweet old pittie reminding me to eat or get outside, I sometimes pretend the cats have those expectations of me, but with their own personalities and snark, of course. It doesn’t always work, but it sure does help sometimes.

Kat: This can be tricky when every breed, every species, and every household is different! For instance, just like Jess and Ash talked about above, if you live with others then there’s usually a collective responsibility vs. it all falling on one person. If you live alone, then that’s a totally different set up (and unfortunately one I cannot speak to). In my case, my partner and I both take care of our rescue pup Doxon. The biggest thing we’ve implemented is routine and division of responsibilities, so it’s easier for one of us to substitute for the other when it’s needed (like when I’m in a flare). For instance, my partner takes care of his morning routine and late-night bathroom breaks, while I’m responsible for meal prep, medication, and appointment scheduling. We share tasks like taking him to the vet and getting exercise, and obviously there’s flexibility depending on what’s going on in our lives. But my biggest piece of advice is meal prepping if it makes sense for your pet. (I swear by these OXO snap-lid containers which are the perfect size for smaller dogs and take up very little real estate in my fridge.) Doxon has a prescription diet and can only have a certain amount of food per day, and he also has daily nerve pain medication that needs to be mixed in, so I always do four days at a time of both breakfast and dinner and it makes such a huge difference in budgeting my energy. I also make his grooming appointments on a regular cadence so my brain fog and memory don’t catch me in a state of, “Oh gosh, he really needs a haircut, but I totally forgot to plan ahead. Cool!”

P.S. As an aside, in case you’re on the fence about getting a pet yourself, I wanted to add that adopting a dog has been one of the best decisions of my entire life. I was so scared from a health perspective, especially because my partner works a ton (which means I’d often be the dog parent in charge), but the impact that Doxon has had on our collective mental health, the daily purpose he gives me to get out of bed, and how relentlessly nurturing he is — especially when I’m in pain or recovering from surgery (we’ve been through four together so far!) — is unmatched. He saved my life at a time when I just wasn’t sure how much I wanted to be alive, and that powers me to take care of him even on my worst days.

Skyler: Forget “who rescued who,” let's talk about who takes care of who. In my case, that's Pip.

Pip is an outdoor adventurer and a great heating pad and masseuse.

Pip takes me outside when depression makes it feel impossible to get fresh air. She insists I put my feet up when I get lightheaded. She'll even turn into a weighted heating pad and lie down on my lower back when I'm stretching on the floor!

I often feel guilty that I can't do as much for her as she does for me. It's hard when seemingly “simple” things such as taking Pip for a walk and picking up after her can lead to all sorts of injuries for me. (If anyone figures out a way to explain connective tissue disorders to dogs, please let me know.) While I wish I could be the type of human who can keep up with their dog’s boundless energy, that's just not where I'm at right now. I'm fortunate that Pip is equally content playing in the snow and curling up for a snuggle in one of our human beds.

When we do frolic outside, there are a few items that Pip and I use that make our adventures easier on my body and fun for Pip as well. I would love to hear recommendations from other spoonies to add to this list!

1. Adjustable harness with buckles — Being able to get Pip “dressed” by clicking one buckle around her neck and another around her chest is much easier than trying to slip some strappy, constantly twisting nightmare over her head. Plus, this harness is padded, which makes it extra comfortable for my sweet baby!

2. Retractable leash with anti-slip handle — This gives Pip more freedom to run around at her own pace while still being safe. An extending leash also decreases the odds of her tugging when she gets excited and my shoulder slipping out of place.

3. Portable folding chair — Some days are just not walk days. When that happens, I pull out my handy dandy “soccer mom” chair, put it on our lawn, and let Pip run around the grass on the extending leash while I remain seated.

In addition to these items, I've worked with physical therapists on strategies to look after Pip without triggering a flare or landing myself in the ER. One therapist even helped me strengthen the muscles needed to pick Pip up off the ground and hold her!

Finally, one last pro tip: Open a couple of poop bags before you get outside and Raynaud's makes it nigh impossible to separate — let alone open — them, leaving you with no other choice but to clean up after your dog using a closed bag and just hold everything, hoping for the best… This has happened to me many, many times. 😬

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