Navigating health conversations around the holidays
Spoiler alert: Not everyone is owed access to you.
Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!
The holidays are hard for so many reasons, but one thing I struggle with in particular is how to approach conversations with family members I don’t often see. Do I tell them about my health? Drop an “I’m fine” and run? Help!
Ash: For me, it’s engaging in conversation to the level I would in everyday life. Do I only see them once a year? Then they’re practically strangers and get that level of pleasantries, but no deep personal lore. I’ve discovered that I feel the least drained by keeping conversations light and bringing out the good parts because I will talk with the safe people outside of the holidays, and they’ve earned that time and trust for deeper connection.
Kat: Get out of my brain! Just kidding, come on in. This is a topic that wholeheartedly consumes me around the holidays as well. The onslaught of family group texts is enough to make me want to hibernate until January! Here’s the motto I live by this time of year: “Be selfish and protect your peace.” As I get older, I’ve learned to approach each interaction according to the depth of the relationship. In case it’s helpful, here are my three holiday “archetypes”:
The family member I never see: This group definitely falls into that “I’m fine!” category for me. What do I truly gain from giving them a peek into my weary soul? Do I really want to spend my limited energy defending my existence when I can totally tolerate 30 minutes of surface-level chatter? I smile, I make pleasant conversation, and my mental health is all the better for it.
A season regular, but not someone who gets it: These folks are people I see throughout the year, who have a general understanding about my health, but always seem to have an unsavory opinion about how I’m taking care of myself. “Why aren’t you better by now?” is a popular refrain with this group. I do tend to be more honest though, as it helps to dismantle the stigma I face in regards to chronic illness being an all-year endeavor.
The safe person who I stay in touch with throughout the year: These are my soul people and I am lucky to have several folks in my life who fall into this category. When I see them, I am wholly honest about any new treatments, symptoms, or surgeries. The vulnerability is so freeing. I try to be extra attentive to them as well, as I always want others who grant me a lot of grace to feel cared for in return.
Jess: Generally speaking, I don’t really talk about my health in person. Which is funny, considering we write this Substack. 😀 Most everyone in my life has a vague awareness that I live with chronic conditions and “have a lot of migraines,” but they don’t really realize I’m disabled, and they don’t often ask about my health. So I don’t offer. In the odd moment when someone does ask, I follow a similar system as Kat and Ash. Are they someone who needs to know, or will telling them cost me energy? At the end of the day, we get to choose where we expend our often-limited capacity, and if explaining things to someone feels like a drag, we don’t have to. Not everyone is owed access to us or explanations from us. 💖
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Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that …