Welcome to Solicited Advice, our weekly column that celebrates the helpfulness in health. Because in a world where strangers at the grocery store love to tell you that a specific brand of magnesium will indeed “cure” what ails you (it probably won’t, so sorry), we’re all about passing on our lived experience in a way that makes your life a little better. Are we experts? Nah, not really. But we’re great listeners who have perfected the art of pillow screaming. Let’s get into it!
Taking care of my health is a full-time job in and of itself, but I don’t really feel like I’m acing any aspect of my life very well right now. I’m curious which areas each of you are prioritizing or feel like you’re floundering in? Sometimes it helps just to hear that no one else can do it all either. 😅
Ash: If you asked me this back in July, I would have said I felt some semblance of balance. But even though I felt more on top of things then, it wasn’t true, and it certainly isn’t now. In fact, I can’t remember the last time it was actually true. It’s not even that I’m struggling to do it all, it’s that I’m struggling to do anything well. This place — meaning both my body and the corner of the world I inhabit — is not set up in a way for someone like me to find that balance, because I will never have the amount of time, energy, and/or clarity to maintain a solid grip on all of my responsibilities. Even as I write this, my husband is responding to my last message that said, “My options today are run out and get groceries or stay home and clean because idk if I have both in me.”
This being my reality is often frustrating, especially when it’s “just fatigue,” because it doesn’t feel like a valid reason to not get things done. And if I don’t take that rest time, it’s even harder to maintain. I basically go in spurts of areas I find success in — like keeping up with chores or pet care, for example — but those things will cycle out, and another will cycle in (or maybe not even at all).
The most important thing for me is to figure out how to keep self-shame out as much as possible so I don’t get stuck in those feelings, and making sure my partner knows where things stand, and communicating as much as possible so frustration doesn’t add to the mix. That doesn’t always mean I know when or how to ask for help, and it’s something I’m working on.
Jess: I’m floundering at all of it. I keep telling myself to prioritize my health, but to be quite frank: I’m tired of it. I’m tired of worrying about whether the food I’m eating is going to help or hurt my symptoms. I’m tired of worrying if the workout or movement I chose is going to spike my symptoms. I’m tired of trying to find new ways for my brain to remember a medication or a tool or a *waves hands* whatever. I’m tired of looking at checklists and what feels like trying to “optimize” my life (which is really just taking care of myself properly). I want to be a potato in the woods with my books. I want the world to do and be better. I want so many things, and absolutely none of them have anything to do with the daily ins and outs of managing any of my conditions. At the same time, I know not managing my symptoms and conditions makes everything else profoundly harder. So I kind of half ass it all.
Of course my brain’s current answer seems to be, “I just need a new planner and organization system.” Because despite fully understanding all of this is a systemic issue, my brain likes to imagine it has control of external chaos by choosing to believe it’s a personal issue. And the right planner will obviously fix that. Instead of researching planners, I could just take my meds. Or make a dinner that won’t kick off a flare. Or sleep an extra hour. You know, things I know I need to be doing for myself.
I don’t know how to square this. I know it’s a seasonal thing — back-to-school fall vibes — and also a precursor to the impending seasonal affective disorder (SAD). And I know I ultimately can’t control anything except how I treat and take care of myself. I know these things, but still, please don’t ask me how many planner tabs I have open on my browser right now.
Kat: I find myself in a position I’ve never been in before, which is that I am truly trying to stay alive and I have no choice but to put my health above everything else. Perpetual apologies to my friendships, relationships, bank account, chores, hobbies, etc. And what sucks is that I don’t even feel like I’m doing a good job at this whole staying alive thing, except I am writing this and it is not AI so I suppose the bare minimum expectations have been met.
If you ever find yourself in the same position when it comes to your health, I do have a suggestion: Figure out whether you want to prioritize answers, stability, or treatment. As someone who is having a lot of acute health issues all at the same time right now, I’ve had to make decisions about what I need most. All summer I’ve been pursuing a diagnosis that I don’t think is going to come, so now I have to set that quest aside and figure out how to improve my quality of life living with those specific symptoms. This type of tiered thinking has really helped me navigate the overwhelm. For example, I need to go back to physical therapy — but the thrice-weekly, morning appointments were tearing me apart from an energy standpoint, so I took the spring and summer off. But my body is starting to scream at me again, and I know PT will do me a world of wonders, so I’m looking at adjusting a few things in my schedule so I have the necessary physical bandwidth to make it work.
For folks who don’t live with chronic health conditions, there seems to be this misconception that if you give taking care of yourself your all, you will reap only positive benefits. So let me set the record straight — it’s actually possible it makes you feel worse. And sometimes that’s because it’s near impossible to juggle answers, stability, and treatment at the same time; while also embracing everything that brings you joy in life. I often find my heart and my body having this conversation time and time again:
Body: I need your focus right now.
Heart: Think about all of the good things we’ll have to give up if I do.
Body: But will you actually enjoy them based on how we feel right now?
Heart: I’m not sure I’ll ever feel better, but I do know I’ll regret missing out.
So to you, I ask, what’ll you choose today? Heart? Body? Mind? Soul? You very likely can’t have them all, but the good news is whatever you choose doesn’t have to be a permanent choice, just a right-now one.
Got a question you want to ask us? Reply to this email or DM us on Substack — we’ll keep your identity anonymous! P.S. Our really professional lawyers (they wear pantsuits and everything) tell us we can’t dispense any kind of medical advice to the public, but we appreciate you thinking we could even do that in the first place. You’re a real one.
More Solicited Advice
Is it depression or burnout?
I’m feeling this constant dread and anxiety I can’t place. I’m having trouble getting out of bed, but also trouble falling asleep. Nothing seems exciting or fun anymore, and everything just feels harder, like nothing I do matters. How do I know the difference between my seasonal depression and burnout?
During the Shiva (mourning) week for my great-grandmother, a neighbor of my parents was lamenting about the younger generation doesn't clip coupons and run for sales and such (which are things my great grandmother did) and are wasting so much money. My grandmother had such a great response- she said that people have 3 basic resources- time, money and energy- and we need to trade off one to preserve another. The families who are choosing to do all their shopping in one store are choosing to spend more money to in an effort to preserve their energy.
I know that not everyone has access to these 3 resources to the same extent, but the framework has helped me prioritize and also helped me realize that somethings are not worth spending any of the resources on.
This one resonated with me so much (I too am SO TIRED of having to micromanage everything I eat, and I also really want to be a potato in the woods with my books Jess!) Every time I think I have a handle on things, it's because I pushed myself just a little too hard, and I get a symptom reminder that smacks me right back down again. (case in point, if you read my last post here on Substack you'll note my "I have a normal amount of energy again!" declaration and I swear too god the second I hit "publish" my body went HA HA HA and I got a multi-day migraine). All that to say, thank you for always being honest and sharing how you're getting through it xoxo